Alsi-Margaret on DeviantArthttps://www.deviantart.com/alsi-margaret/art/Joy-371592339Alsi-Margaret

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Joy

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Joy Williams of the Civil Wars. She seems like a lovely person.

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Just drawn for practice. Reference was used. It is certainly all levels of unfinished and unplanned. CS5, about 2 hours. I only ever draw or paint anymore when I'm trying to avoid working.

On a tangent, --and I am certain that no one particularly cares. This is here for my own posterity-- I have not been drawing because I have been in a very strange mood. I am nineteen years old and I should not be feeling this way. I have been experiencing severe anxiety and panic attacks that stem from a fear of death. For about a month solid, it was unbearable. I am learning to manage, but this is the sort of problem that does not go away. From what I have read, I think I can categorize it as an existential crisis. I probably appear fine to anyone interacting with me, but this consumes all of my thoughts and energy most of the day. I can't relax. I am terrified by the inevitable. I am going to die, and no one knows what happens after we die. I believe around April 9th was my first panic attack. I have learned to suppress the thoughts that send me spiraling, but I feel numb and empty.
I'm trying to fill that void with people I am close to, but I feel like I am using them. Because this is a spiritual crisis, too, and I have a fear that other people are all we have. Typing this out always helps briefly, but then it returns, worse, because I am thinking about it. So I will stop now. I am sorry if you have read this, not expecting a piece of my diary to be here. I think I'm trying to reach out. I expect criticism for this.
Oh, sweet human interaction. You are all I have.
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